New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies, and new homes, and graduations from
rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn't gift giving, it's the white people's version of looting.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a
reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of
the football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger
was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a
dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description
for these kids: "Lucky bastards."

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your
idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that
watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You
want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt.
That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the
top is now the bottom. And, by the time grandpa figures out how to
open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you
just solved the Social Security crisis

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grandee,
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One
NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
card, entering my "PIN" number, pressing "Enter," verifying the
amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter"
again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there
eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass.
And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did
anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive
Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just
too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait,
they're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for
M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy
old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex
a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's
remember, the reason something was a television show in the first
place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I
just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed
to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on
your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear
"27 months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And, I
didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that
pays better than "minimum wage," then, for God's sake, don't pierce
or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your
future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"

BC

KUALA LUMPUR (Reuters) - A Malaysian teen-ager woken by a night-time noise dashed off a warning text message to her mother just in time to be rescued from an intruder who burst into her bedroom.

Alerted by the mother's screams, relatives rushed to the rescue, breaking down a door and scaring off the man, who escaped through the back of the house, the New Straits Times said.

Salima Mohamad Noor, 17, said a man broke into her bedroom and placed a knife at her neck just as she finished sending the message on her cellular telephone.

"I was terrified and started screaming when he threatened to kill me," the newspaper quoted Salima as saying. "He also said no one would come to my rescue as he had already locked my mother's bedroom door from the outside."

But her mother's loud screams drew the attention of Salima's uncle, who kicked open the front door, frightening away the intruder, the paper added.

About 80 percent of Malaysia's population of roughly 26 million own a cell phone, statistics show, with many teenagers proficient in text messaging, as a cheaper way of talking to friends than telephone calls.
Amazing use of texting...give me my dog and a .45 anyday tho...BC

MADRID (Reuters) - A Spanish hotel chain is running a competition for stressed executives to let off steam in a fashion usually reserved for rock stars -- by smashing hotel rooms.

NH Hoteles will allow 30 people chosen by a team of psychologists to help demolish the interior of the 11-year old NH Alcala hotel in central Madrid as part of its refurbishment, it said.

The chosen 30, armed with mallet and hard hat, can destroy any part of the 146-room building, NH said, from bringing down walls to smashing windows.

The demolition will take place on July 3.

Now that is a wicked cool therapy session! BC

Mich. man in wheelchair takes wild ride By JAMES PRICHARD, Associated Press Writer
Thu Jun 7, 9:31 PM ET

Ben Carpenter got the ride of a lifetime when his electric wheelchair became lodged in the grille of a semitrailer and was accidentally pushed down a highway for several miles at about 50 mph. His father, Donald Carpenter, was incredulous when police called to tell him his 21-year-old son was OK after the wild ride.

"I said, 'What happened?'" Donald Carpenter recalled Thursday.

He said his son had started to cross Wednesday afternoon at an intersection in Paw Paw, about 140 miles west of Detroit, where the truck had stopped for a red light. The light changed to green while Carpenter was still in front of the semi, which started moving forward.

The truck bumped into the side of the wheelchair, which then started turning forward, its handles becoming lodged in the grille, the father said. The wild ride had started.

"He's so low that the truck driver couldn't see him, and the truck headed out," he said.

The wheelchair, with Carpenter strapped in it, ended up being pushed by the truck as it sped down the Red Arrow Highway. Police said the wheelchair was pushed about four miles, but Donald Carpenter said it was about half that.

Ben Carpenter said while all of this was going on, he seriously considered the possibility that he might not make it before the truck came to a complete halt.

"I was probably thinking that this is going to keep going and not stop anywhere, 50 or 60 miles somewhere," he told Grand Rapids television station WOOD.

"It was pretty scary," he told WDIV-TV of Detroit.

The bizarre sight caught the attention of motorists, many of whom called 911 on their cell phones. A pair of undercover police officers who happened to be driving in the opposite direction at the time saw what was happening, did a quick U-turn, followed the truck to its business and informed the disbelieving driver, Donald Carpenter said.

His son escaped injury.

"He's fine," Donald Carpenter said. "Not a scratch. He was basically just scared."

Ben Carpenter, who has muscular dystrophy, lives with his parents in nearby Kalamazoo. He had gone to Paw Paw to ride on a trail with a medical aide who was on a bicycle, his father said.

The aide had fallen slightly behind Carpenter by the time he was crossing the intersection and, because of the angle, didn't see him being pushed down the road. She had no idea what had happened to him.

"She was frantic and then a driver at the intersection started honking his horn and said he's attached to the front of the truck," Donald Carpenter said. The aide then used her cell phone to call for help.

The father said being pushed down the road by the truck burned most of the rubber off the tires of the wheelchair, but otherwise didn't damage it. The tires were replaced Thursday morning, in time for his son to use the wheelchair this weekend at a muscular dystrophy camp.

"It's a very bad story that ended very well," he said. "We're just thrilled that he's still around."

I assume that he had to"tidy up"and change after that experience...BC

Your Personality is 37% Addictive

You don't have an addictive personality - at least, not usually. You can indulge in vices freely, and there's little chance that you'll get hooked.

BC