An Irishman, Englishman, and Scotsman go into a pub and each
order a pint of Guinness.
Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and
one lands in each of the pints.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands
another pint. The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a
long swallow.
The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his
fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit
it out!"
******************************************************
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road
which led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that
got to be 145!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy. Seamus stumbles around a bit,
awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin
******************************************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving
home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk..
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to
drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk say s with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding
his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back,
your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there,
I thought I'd gone deaf."
******************************************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone.
I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout
and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
******************************************************
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.
******************************************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says , "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun..."
